She's Honestly Mental

14. The story behind my first hospital admission

• Corrina Rawlinson - Mental Health Advocate • Season 1 • Episode 14

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What if the signs that you needed help were hiding in your camera roll?

This episode is the audio version of going back through the photos and finally seeing the truth.

This one’s raw. I open up about the lead-up to my first mental health admission in 2019. Not from a perfect, polished hindsight place, but straight from the heart, scrolling through the chaos on my phone.

You’ll hear about the photo that broke me, the letter from the neighbour that crushed me, and the moment I realised I didn’t want to be here anymore. I talk about being medicated, misdiagnosed, and massively disconnected from myself, and what finally cracked open the truth I’d been hiding from everyone, including me.

If you’ve ever wondered how someone ends up in hospital, or what it feels like to be at breaking point, this episode tells the story no one else sees. The one behind the social media smiles and the perfectly manicured garden. It’s not easy to listen to. But it might be exactly what you need to hear.

If this one cracked something open for you, DM me on Instagram @sheshonestlymental, you’re not alone.


In this episode we cover:

  • Why Corrina almost didn’t record this episode
  • Scrolling through her photos from October 2019
  • Realising how bad things had gotten (even while appearing "fine")
  • Unregulated nervous system and parenting through burnout
  • Selling essential oils while secretly falling apart
  • Coaching programmes that didn’t understand her reality
  • Losing her dog Lola and dealing with grief
  • A hate letter from a neighbour that tipped her over the edge
  • Jarrod’s grief and support
  • Hiding suicidal thoughts from everyone
  • What finally led her to hospital
  • A rainbow, a quote, and the hope that kept her going
  • Getting diagnosed with postnatal depression, PTSD, anxiety and depression
  • The difference between someone who tries to fix you vs sit with you
  • Choosing to share it all in the hope it helps someone else
SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to She's Honesty Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rollinson, ADHD Brain, Medicated Mind, and Proud Mental Health Hospital alumni. Still here, still trying up somehow. This is a space for the fillers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between because silence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. Alright, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi-contained. Let's get honestly mental.

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to the episode that I don't know if I actually want to record, but I'm gonna record it because I know. Not that I know, but I actually really hope that by me explaining the process. Honestly, I just don't know. I wanted to record a podcast to talk about the anniversary of my admission into the mental health facility. So I think what I'm actually gonna do is scroll back through to my photos in my phone. And let's look at October 2019, because I feel like that's when yeah. Got this photo on my phone from October 2019, where well heck, even just before that, was my 30th birthday, the first of September 2019, and far out the girl that I see in these photos is the girl that was trying to do everything and be everything for everyone.

SPEAKER_02:

And I wish I could hug her. I wish that she could see where we are now.

SPEAKER_01:

The girl that I see in these photos is the one that heck going walking in the mornings and what's this one? Showing up on social media on Mondays talking about mental health, mental health awareness, when literally she's the one in the depths. And I suppose this was at the point where my doctor was saying to me, Oh, creamy just burnt out. And I can see how burnt out and wrecked I was using essential oils. I found this other photo that's like taking this metagenics neurocarm, which was like a magnesium kind of thing. All these flower remedies and essential oils. I remember not being present for my children. There's notes here. The more aware I am of my mind and my heart racing, the more they both race. The more I try to relax them both, the more energy I'm putting into them needing to relax. So instead I'm distracting my other senses because it's the only thing that is actually working. That's being able to stop and see myself now, just how much my nervous system was not regulated, was really, really hard. And I think that's, you know, I kept showing up, I kept trying to do all of the things, be there for people. I remember really not being able to regulate myself around my children. So a lot of the time, because I couldn't regulate myself, they would then cop the brunt of me being unregulated because then they couldn't regulate because they're children, and I would end up screaming at them and yelling at them, and it was it was not fun. That's just not a fun environment for kids to be in. Not a fun environment for me to be in either. There's photos here of me having a box full of multivitamins. Back then I was selling toTerra essential oils and I was taking all their multivitamins. Capiber, which was marketed to be like cannabis oil, but not cannabis oil, like having TCR, I don't even remember. Like it was just so much stuff in it. Lavender and then again, some all these things. It just hurts. Being in coaching programs when they're saying, just go and have fun, go and be like a child. I have got photos here of the boys. Uh see, I'm like, is this even a really good episode? Because I'm just scrolling through my camera roll and telling you about the things, but I don't know how else to do it. It's a lot of emotion, and I suppose this is the only way that I can really show the rawness of it. So if it resonates, awesome. If it doesn't, whatever. You know, my people. I was in a coaching program and they were saying, go have fun with your kids. And, you know, for me, I'd rather not. Because again, not being able to regulate myself when I'm trying to then raise the little humans that don't know how to regulate themselves is really hard. I really struggled with that. I would show up at the kids' school and just be there and everything. But then I'd end up with migraine. This is so funny. Going through, rebuilt my garden to make it really aesthetically pleasing. I've probably replanted most of that garden a couple of times now in the last six years, and some of it still dies, and some of it I just go to Bunnings buy a new plant and put it in there. You know? Yellow, why not? I've got photos in here that are my first little puppy Lola, sweet little beautiful poodle. We let her go because the sweet thing went blind and then fretted and was really unwell. I just yeah, that was a horrible time for our family. Gosh. Currently trying to work, however, the dogs have other ideas being smothered by them. I love that. Trying to show up at school for my kids and be that really present mum when I was always basically on call for work and always had my phone on me because I needed to be present for everyone else. Bit of a theme going on here, right? Ah, so rough, so rough, so rough. Oh. When all of this was really heightened for me before the admission, my best friend, her papa, had passed away. And the night of his celebration of life, we drove from my house to her house. Actually, no, it was the night that he'd passed. And some little assholes threw a rock at my car window, like a massive, massive rock. I'm so lucky. So lucky that it didn't actually smash through the window. And again, that's me showing up for everyone else. Me trying to be there for every other human being. And getting a note in my mailbox from some neighbours about how about next time you pop over, take those two pain in the ass dogs with you, way to ruin a relaxing Sunday for the whole neighbourhood. This is disgusting the way you leave your dogs to give everyone the shits. Look after them properly like every other normal human being, or you'll be reported for animal cruelty. That's hilarious considering the things that are actually going on in our neighbourhood at the moment. Oh. And no shit. I got that in the letterbox, and then the next day is the day that we let our beautiful puppy go. People are mean.

SPEAKER_02:

People are mean. It's still so raw. I don't know. I don't know what the emotion is around it. I think it's grief for sure. I definitely think it's grief for sure.

SPEAKER_01:

But I know that if I hadn't have been through all of this, that I wouldn't have I wouldn't be here now. And I do really hope by sharing my reality it helps others. I went through this phase of actually throwing out all of my self-help books, and it's something that I still really feel like really. Like run for the hills. If someone's like, I can come in and I can sit with you through the mess and help you find a way out, have that person. But yeah, I know when one day I write a book, I feel like it's gonna be more of a memoir.

SPEAKER_00:

If you've been around for a while, you already know. My mornings don't start without my cacao. I've been drinking Invictus Apocalypse ceremonial cacao since 2020. It's literally been everywhere with me, across Australia, up to Broome, and even in my inpatient hospital stays. It's my one little moment of sacredness each morning, usually brought to me Made with Love by Jared. Bless him. The beautiful humans behind it, Jody and Ben, aka the Captain and the Crew, also run Naturally Esperance, their gorgeous local store and dispensary. They've been part of my world for years, and I'm honestly so grateful for what they've created. And now they give me a little something for you, my She's Honestly Mental fan. You can get 10% off their 250 gram and one kilo cacao install and online using the code SHM FAM or one word. Just head to Invictusapokathery.com.au or pop into naturally esmerants if you're a local.

SPEAKER_02:

I want to be able to talk about it, but I don't know if I can talk about it.

SPEAKER_01:

And I think that's the thing, like to go into all of the detail of it, it's still really heavy.

SPEAKER_02:

There's a lot of grief for sure. But I think for me it was being in that situation on my own because I hadn't told anyone how bad my thoughts were.

SPEAKER_01:

My GP kind of knew, obviously, because I'd been sick, like I kept getting these chest infections or tonsillitis or something. And so he kept saying, you know, like what's wrong? And he knew, like, he knows, you know, it's a small country town, like he knows. But it was when I was finally actually, I suppose, seen by my family for all of the stuff that I was trying to hold.

SPEAKER_02:

And then they turned around and went that, you know, like they didn't want to lose me. I truly believed that I wasn't worthy of being here anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

And so when they you know, I know there's been so many times where Jared really cried and cried and cried, and he's tried so hard to keep me from wanting to end it all, but it comes down to this like truly genuine self-love and self-appreciation and self-understanding.

SPEAKER_02:

And I didn't have that. There was no love for me. And one of my biggest takeaways has been when it's like when you're looking for your keys and you can't find your keys and your keys are actually right there in front of you.

SPEAKER_01:

It's that kind of stuff. It's like you're looking for the evidence that you don't belong, or that you're not needed, or that you're not wanted. That's the evidence that you're going to find. You're not going to be able to see the truth.

SPEAKER_02:

And I can tell you that the truth will always be we're better off with you here than not. And I know that now. I feel like a wanker saying it. But I'm a gift to this world. Every single one of us are.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, Cass, if you're listening, this is hilarious. So the day after, there's actually this little photo of a rainbow.

SPEAKER_02:

Someone once said to me that when you are suicidal, and you think that death is the only way out. And you've got a plan, and you know that's as close as the close to the edge that you could possibly get.

SPEAKER_01:

And I think that that's why there's so much gratitude in my heart now, because I've been there. And to be able to see things like rainbows, storms, a storm that we had at SurfCloud the other day was insane.

SPEAKER_02:

But it was so beautiful. Being able to see that has been wild.

SPEAKER_01:

And I think this is what I don't I really don't think people understand just the power of getting those messages and being a part of a community and being appreciated really means.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe one day I'll have a book and I'll be able to share a bit more of it, more of the depths, but then I also I don't want to be in Debbie Downer either.

SPEAKER_02:

She found overwhelming grace. And that's by Morgan Harpenicles.

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah, as it comes up to that was kind of the thing for me was everything went really kind of pear-shaped the middle of October 2019. And then I spent a couple of weeks going back and forth to Perth seeing naturopaths and hypnotherapists and all of the kind of self-help development things that I possibly could do whilst I waited for the appointment with my psychiatrist. So was then kind of when I finally had my psychiatrist appointment, was when I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, PTSD, generalized anxiety, major depression, all of the fun things.

SPEAKER_02:

But I think the biggest thing for me now is being able to be on this other side.

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah, there's a really heavy episode for you, and I'm like, I don't even know if that's worth it. I'm gonna hit send on this and see what happens.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, thanks for being here with me. Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mentor. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram at She's Honestly Mentor. Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain. You're not broken, you're just honestly mental, and all the best people are.